Telling the Truth about Gay Pride

a sermon preached by Gordon Johnston
on Pride Day, Sunday, July 8, 2001

I am honoured to be asked to speak to you, my dear friends, on this Pride Day, a day when we celebrate the lives of gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered persons. When Garth asked me to preach today, I told him that I would do it on the condition that he not expect me to expound on today's readings or to bowl you over with profound biblical exegesis. Instead, I would like to share with you some personal thoughts about my experience as a gay man who loves God.
From time to time, I attend various diocesan and interfaith gay/lesbian functions here at the church, and when we are asked to introduce ourselves to the group, I always identify myself as "organist and choirmaster and staff homosexual." However, I was not always the confident, openly gay man you have come to know. This morning, I would like to tell you my "coming out" story, and to share with you my experience of God's healing and transforming action in my life. Then I would like to tell you why I value St John's Church so deeply, and why I believe this is a good place for gay people to be.
Growing up gay in a straight and narrow world

I was born and raised in Calgary, Alberta in a deeply religious family. We were evangelical, fundamentalist Christians. Every morning before leaving for school, my parents, brothers and sister and I would kneel together in prayer. Sundays were devoted to attending church; in our denomination, there were three services on a Sunday, and we attended all of them. During the week, there were evening programmes at the church, as well as individual religious devotions, including daily prayer. At a young age, my grandfather encouraged me to memorize scripture verses, and to this day, I can spouteth off all kinds of bible verses - in the King James version, of course!
As a teenager, I began dating girls at the same age as my friends. During the adolescent years of sexual awakening, I became aware that I had a particular "temptation" towards homosexuality, but I also knew that Jesus hated and detested homosexuals, and that the sin of homosexuality was just about the worst thing around. I was determined to be right with Jesus, to keep myself on God's path, and so I believed all the anti-homosexual doctrine I was taught, and took it to heart. This created a very confusing dichotomy in my head, because it reduced sexuality to genitality. It never occurred to me that two men could actually romantically love each other. I was taught that homosexuality was a physical act, and with the grace of God I would never give in to that temptation. I was on Jesus' team!
All through my twenties, I continued to date girls and to suppress any homosexual thoughts. One by one, my friends got married, and I could see the happiness brought into their lives by the women they loved. I figured that God must have someone pretty special in mind for me, making me wait so long. (That turned out to be very true, as you all know!) At the tender age of 32, I met a woman who was very beautiful, and who shared my religious sentiments. We became engaged to be married. All through our engagement, I was the model of Christian purity and virtue, and never once tried any funny stuff with her. It was only in retrospect that I realized how completely devoid I was of spontaneous motivation!
My girlfriend and I were ultimately a very poor match, and ten days before our wedding had a huge fight and called the whole thing off. I thank God that we pulled the plug when we did, and I rather expect she feels the same way. Following the collapse of my "almost marriage", I went into a time of deep self-examination, and with the help of a Christian therapist tried to understand what had happened to me, and how I could avoid getting in such a painful situation again.
It took many months of therapy and a great deal of introspection before I could mention to my counselor that I had these pesky gay thoughts that were difficult to control, even with the use of repeated bible verses. I remember his first reaction was that he asked me if I was feeling attracted to him. It had never occurred to me that I should be attracted to another man, because I had been taught to believe that homosexuality was simply a physical act. Attraction and falling in love and all the motivation that goes with it had never crossed my mind.
This period of reflection was a deeply spiritual time for me. I kept a daily journal, sought comfort and meaning from reading the scriptures, and prayed frequently. I had the strongest impression that God was answering my prayers, healing me of my self-hatred and bringing me into a true understanding of what it meant for me to be gay. But I resisted!! I was not a wicked person! I knew what God thought of homosexuals, and I sure was not one of those!!
Giving in to God

I stand before you today as a witness of God's gentle, persistent love. It took a long time to open my tightly-closed mind, but gradually I came to understand that if I was ever going to be healed of my homosexuality, I would have to face it head on. I prayed and studied and devoted myself to learning more about human sexuality. I became particularly interested in what is called the "ex-gay" movement, a religious philosophy which claims that if you pray hard enough and love God enough, God will change you and make you straight. I spent a great deal of time studying their teachings. It was a tempting siren-song, but I learned from personal experience that the claims of the "ex-gay" movement are completely and utterly false. They encourage you to pray to God to remove your homosexuality, and when he doesn't, it's your own fault because you're not praying hard enough. The "ex-gay" concept is based not on love, but on self-hatred and conformity. It has destroyed many lives and many families.
Eventually, I decided that I should meet some homosexuals, and see what they were like. I was quite sure that up to that time I had never met one. The safest place was in church, so I attended a service at the Metropolitan Community Church, a gay/lesbian denomination that used to meet in the Jack Purcell Community Centre. There I was astounded to meet a bunch of nice, normal Christian people - not at all the sex-crazed God-hating heathens I had been warned about. There was a lawyer, and a librarian, and a priest, and a french teacher ... there was something special about that french teacher. That night in May, 1985 was when I first met Gaston, and sixteen years later he still makes my heart skip a beat.
Over the following months, my life changed as I literally came from darkness to light. I felt whole for the first time in my life. I decided to trust God, to literally put all my confidence in God and say, "please God don't let me fall". I had spent my whole life busily obeying a myriad of rules and commandments, trying to keep on God's good side; yet now, I simply gave up and as the hymn says, "leaned on the everlasting arms".
Eventually I was publicly expelled from my former church, excommunicated for being a homosexual. That experience hurt me and my family a great deal, and has made me to this day suspicious and wary of religious people. The following year, in 1986, the position of organist came open here at St John's, and I knew it was a place I could be happy. I had played here as substitute organist frequently and knew of the open-minded, progressive attitude of this congregation. I was delighted when the then-rector Allen Box offered me the job; but in a private interview before accepting the position I warned him that I was openly gay, and that if that was going to be a problem he should say so before I signed on the dotted line. He said, "In this church, people are people." That was all I needed to hear, and I signed on.
For my first few years here, I kept a careful distance from the religious life of the community, and viewed my work as my job, my employment. I did not receive communion until more than five years after I first came here. Over time, I came to realize that independent of my "employment", the ministry of St John's was important to me. This church is such a special place, and the loving attitude of open minds and open hearts is so important and yet rare.
In 1995, when Gaston and I had been together for ten years, we asked Garth if he would bless our relationship. He said yes, and we had a beautiful commitment ceremony here with about 150 people, music, scripture readings and prayers, and afterwards went into the Burke Room and had little triangle sandwiches with the crust cut off. It was wonderful. The following week our friend Bishop Baycroft sent Garth a letter informing him that if he ever blessed another gay couple he would be fired, and Bishop Baycroft sent a general letter to all clergy reminding them not to use unauthorized liturgies. I am proud of Garth, and grateful for his strength and courage.
Home away from home for gay Christians

So I would like to tell you why I think St John's is a good place for gay people to be. First of all, remember that to gay people, the Christian church has been enemy territory for centuries. Historically the church has taught lies about us and has used the Bible to support its oppression of us. When I first came to St John's, a long-time parishioner told me, "Just keep quiet about your homosexuality and you'll be fine." As you may have noticed, I have not "kept quiet".
Look around you in the national church today, and imagine it through gay eyes. Everywhere people are talking about us, trying to decide if we should be ordained or if we should be allowed to have our relationships blessed in the church. It is offensive and nauseating to be the subject of this kind of wrangling. Imagine what it feels like to us, to read hateful letters to the editor in the Anglican Journal, to be called the "litmus test" of contemporary Christianity. It makes the church in general an unwelcome place.
That's why St John's is so special. You are a light shining in the midst of a lot of darkness and crap. St John's is a gay refugee camp. Have you ever thought of that? Do you realize that most of the gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered people who are in our parish are here because they've been booted out of their "home" churches? This is the only place they can come that will welcome them whole-heartedly. It's like Naaman in the Old Testament reading this morning. When promised healing by Elisha if he bathed in the river Jordan, he said, "We have rivers as good as this back home". His followers had to remind him, "Yes, but those rivers are not for you now. This is your river now."
I need to say a special word about lesbians. When gay women come into the Christian church, I am amazed. They have to overcome not only the church's past bias against gay people, but its centuries-old preference for men, and our idolatrous fixation with using male images for God, whom we do *not* believe actually is male. I am inspired by the lesbian women who worship with us. Lesbians give me hope.
Some people might find it odd that we would devote a Sunday liturgy to celebrating sexuality. After all, sex is hardly an appropriate subject for civilized Anglicans on a Sunday morning. But I would like to suggest to you that our individual sexuality is an integral part of our spirituality. Everyone has sexuality, whether straight, bi or gay or anywhere in between. Each of us has a sexual way of relating intimately to another person. Sexuality is more than genitality, more than just physical activity. It is our whole way of receiving and expressing intimate love, of perceiving ourselves in close, loving relationship. If God is love, then fully embracing our sexuality is an essential part of experiencing God.
The "Pride" in Gay Pride

So what's the point of Gay Pride Day. What's to be "proud" about? Certainly not the fact of being gay. That is not an appropriate subject for pride, since it is not something we created or did ourselves. It just happens. Some people are gay, some aren't. The "pride" in Gay Pride is pride in telling the truth about being gay, telling the truth about our lives and our selves. It is pride in standing up to centuries of lies and oppression and refusing to let darkness win. It means exposing and forgiving the oppression of the Christian past and the lies of the "ex-gay" movement. It is proudly telling the truth about our relationships, our intimate love, and thus telling the truth about God. Hmmm ... love, truth-telling, forgiving ... all of a sudden, Gay Pride is starting to sound like a very Christian event!
The importance of truth-telling also explains why transgendered people have a place in the gay liberation movement. Although their issue is not necessarily one of sexual orientation, their quest is the same: to tell the truth about themselves. Remember Diana Coltridge, who was a member of our parish, a transgendered person who blessed us with her laughter and strength. I like to think at St John's, she found a place where her truth would be respected and valued.
So, you may say, if today is Gay Pride Day, when is Straight Pride Day? Honey, every day is straight pride day! When a boy and girl walk hand in hand down the street, that's a straight pride parade. When a man and a woman kiss over dinner in a restaurant, that's glowing straight pride. When a man says, "this is my wife" that's the straight pride moment par excellence. You see, at least straight people have a word. "My wife, my husband" ... so much information contained in one word. It's a big problem for gay people: "This is my ... partner / significant other / boyfriend / my 'close friend'". We have to go through a long explanation to communicate a fraction of the information that straight people say in one word. At least on a Sunday morning, we can come here to St John's and feel at home, without explaining ourselves. Here, we understand and are understood.
Before I close, I would like to say a word about one part of gay life that remains very much hidden, and that is the gay married men and women among us. Imagine what it must be like for a man who knows inside that he is gay, yet he is married to a woman. This is a heart-rending dilemma, and it is happening to people here in our congregation. What can we do? Be open, be loving, be non-judgemental. Gay married men fear that if they were known for who they really are, their entire world would collapse. We must communicate to them through our actions that the spirit of love here at St John's is genuine and unconditional, that we prize truth more than conformity, and that we will stand by them and their families through thick and thin.
Ultimately, that is what we are called to as a Christian community: unconditional love. The changes in society and in the church over the past 25 years are astounding, and make the world a much happier place for gay people to live. But 25 years is a very short time, and anything that can change in a short time can un-change quickly, too. We have only to look back to Berlin of the 1930s when gay men lived and loved openly; yet a mere ten years later it was a very different world as Hitler murdered thousands of men and women solely because they were suspected of being gay.
Our challenge, therefore, is a call to eternal vigilance, to be constantly watchful and aware, to actively show God's unconditional love, to embrace gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered people, and take pride in telling the truth.

Other pride Day Sermons on our web site:

1999 Pride Day: "A Bed of Thorns?" by Bonnie Crawford-Bewley
http://www.cyberus.ca/~stjohns/thorns.html

1997 Pride Day: "Pride Day Sermon" by Ron Chaplin
http://www.cyberus.ca/~stjohns/pride.html